Deep Thinking

The cardinal’s song catches me off guard, a fleeting note that pulls me back to Dad. His stories, his warmth, the way he made life feel anchored—they’re gone now, and the silence cuts deep. It’s the same ache I carry for Toby, my dog, who’d bound toward me with uncontainable joy, and Little Grey, my cat, whose soft purrs were a quiet constant in my days. Losing them carved hollows in my heart, places I’m still learning to tread lightly. And then there’s my marriage—eight years of love, dreams, and promises I thought would hold strong, even after the move to Ohio. I believed we’d weather that change together, but instead, it unraveled, leaving me with a longing for the forever I’d envisioned with my ex-husband.

I read about Sam Heughan, how he reconnected with his dad after years apart, only to lose him to illness. That resonates. Like Sam, I know the sting of missed moments, the ache of what might have been. He walked Scotland’s trails to find meaning in his loss, piecing himself together in the quiet of the highlands. I find my own path in smaller things—a cardinal’s call, a flash of Toby’s wagging tail in my memory, or Little Grey’s gentle gaze. They’re not just gone; they’re woven into who I am, guiding me forward even as I grieve.

The move to Ohio was supposed to be a new chapter, not the end of us. I’d pictured my marriage enduring, growing stronger through the change—a shared adventure with laughter and late-night talks, like the early days with my ex-husband. But disconnection crept in, slow and relentless, until divorce became the only road left. That loss—of love, of the future we planned—feels like another death, layered atop losing Dad, Toby, and Little Grey. It’s a weight I carry, the dream of a marriage that should have lasted, that I fought to hold onto. Yet, like Sam’s Jamie Fraser, who loses family and home but presses on, I’ve found strength in carrying that grief. I hold tight to the love I felt—Dad’s warm laugh, Toby’s loyal nudge, Little Grey’s quiet presence, and the moments when my marriage felt unbreakable. Those memories shape me, teaching me what connection can mean.

Now, as I prepare for another transition—moving to California for simplicity and a fresh start—I feel the echo of these losses but also the hope they’ve sparked. I’m not there yet, but I’m reaching for a place where I can rebuild, where the weight of Ohio’s disconnection might lift. I crave authentic connection, the kind I’ve always chased, where hearts meet openly, like the love I once believed in with my ex-husband. Sam turned his grief into purpose, building something meaningful through his charity. I’m finding mine in the small signs—a dragonfly landing, a bird’s song, a moment that feels like Dad, Toby, or Little Grey whispering, “Keep going.” These losses, these transitions, have taught me to love fiercely, to seek kindness, to chase what matters. The marriage I thought would last didn’t, but it showed me what I’m capable of giving and what I still hope to find. As I step toward this new chapter in California, I carry their love with me, ready to weave new threads of hope, just as Sam found his through his own journey of loss and discovery.