Deep Thinking

Title: Navigating the Holidays with a Heavy Heart

Today, I’m filled with doubt and discouragement. The holidays are especially hard since I lost my dad right before Thanksgiving. Christmas will be lonely again. I worry I’ll never find the job or husband I deserve.

As the festive season approaches, I can’t help but feel the weight of my emotions more intensely. The joy and togetherness that others seem to effortlessly embrace only magnify my own sense of loss and isolation. My dad was my rock, my confidant, and losing him right before Thanksgiving has left a void that feels impossible to fill. Each year, as the holidays roll around, the pain resurfaces, and the loneliness becomes almost unbearable.

I’m trying not to cry, but the pain of losing my dad and the loneliness are overwhelming. I wonder if anyone would ever be interested in an autistic woman like me. I’ve always been independent, but I deeply crave the companionship I’ve missed for the past eight years. The world often feels like it’s moving forward without me, and I find myself questioning if I’ll ever find the job or husband I deserve.

Being autistic adds another layer of complexity to my feelings. While I’ve always prided myself on my independence, there’s a part of me that longs for a connection, for someone who understands and accepts me for who I am. The fear that my autism might be a barrier to finding love and companionship is a constant worry that gnaws at my heart.

The job market, too, feels like an insurmountable challenge. I know I have skills and talents to offer, but finding a position where I can truly thrive and be appreciated seems like a distant dream. The uncertainty of my future weighs heavily on my mind, adding to the overall sense of discouragement.

As I navigate these difficult emotions, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel this way. Grief and loneliness are powerful forces, and it’s natural to struggle with them, especially during the holidays. I try to hold onto the hope that things will get better, that I will find the job and the partner I deserve. But for now, I’m allowing myself to feel the pain and to acknowledge the depth of my emotions.

To anyone else out there who might be feeling the same way, know that you’re not alone. The holidays can be a challenging time for many of us, and it’s important to be gentle with ourselves. Let’s hold onto the hope that brighter days are ahead, even if they feel far away right now.